Graced to Lead

Ep.3: Understanding Your Leadership Identity with Dr. Stephanie M. Kirkland

• Belinda Gaston • Season 1 • Episode 3

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Discover your true leadership potential with the guidance of Dr. Stephanie Kirkland as we delve into the heart of what makes an authentic leader. This isn't just another leadership talk; Dr. Stephanie delves into the truth about leadership identity. Through personal experiences and expert insights, Dr. Stephanie and I share the importance of embracing the innate gifts and talents that define your divine purpose in leadership. We uncover the common pitfalls that many Christian women in leadership face – the confusion of conflating titles with identity and the quest for a deeper understanding of their influence.

This episode invites you to embark on the most important assignment of your life—discovering and honoring your authentic leadership identity.

Warning: You may need to listen more than once and take notes. Your narrative awaits, and the impact you can have on this world is too significant to ignore.

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Belinda Gaston:

Welcome to the Graced to Lead podcast. I'm Belinda Gaston, your host, and listen. If you are a Christian woman who leads at work, at home, in ministry or your own business, you are in the right place. Here, you'll find encouragement, practical advice, and even a little humor too. We'll have some real conversations that will challenge you and inspire you in all areas of your life. So join me for this journey to become better leaders God's way. It's a call for us to embrace God's grace to lead even when we feel unqualified. So if that's you, you are in the right place. Welcome and let the journey begin.

Belinda Gaston:

Welcome to the Graced to Lead podcast. Our guest is Dr Stephanie Kirkland. Dr Stephanie is known as the identity shaper. She is the CEO and founder of Identity Dynamics, a leadership development company that educates on the crucial yet widely overlooked impact of identity on professional and organizational success. Dr Kirkland has created a proprietary identity-centered leadership framework to support individuals and organizations that focus on things from communication and adaptability to team building and driving a sustainable culture of equity. She has 20 years of experience in personal and professional leadership development and a doctor of education from Northeastern University, so Dr Kirkland knows exactly what she's talking about. I encourage you, as listeners, to go ahead and grab your pens, your pencils, your digital note-taking devices as we dig into this episode on identity in leadership. So let's welcome Dr Stephanie. Dr Stephanie, welcome to the Graced to Lead podcast.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

Thank you so much. I'm honored to be here and to talk to you, thank you.

Belinda Gaston:

We're going to go ahead and get started with our discussion, because a lot of times, as leaders, we focus on things like how do I lead well? What do I need to change to make myself a better leader? Some of us are in positions where we are in executive leadership in a corporate space, some are leading in a ministry, and the one thing that we often overlook is our identity, who we are, and so I want us to start there, dr Stephanie. Let's talk a little bit about what we mean by leadership identity, and then we'll talk a little bit about why that's important. So can you tell our listeners what it means when we talk about leadership identity? When we talk about leadership identity?

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

Well, when we are talking about it, it means that we are leveraging who we are in the shaping and the perspective and lens of how we show up in our leadership.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

That includes our leadership philosophy, how we engage other people and what that looks like, as well as what is the impact that I am trying to make and how am I trying to influence those that I am responsible to lead.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

So it is moving away from outdated leadership norms, ways of looking at leadership only through the lens of models or prototypes, and then taking our identity out of the background right, and then bringing it to the foreground with regards to what is that divine DNA that God has put on the inside of me? What are those gifts, those talents and those abilities that I am supposed to be using to create impact in my realm of experience? Because if we're depending on leadership norms and prototypes and things that other people are telling us about leadership and our show up, we're missing out on the assignment right. We're missing out on why we're in this space in the first place, and so it's reclaiming, it's almost like a reclamation of what and how am I supposed to really be showing up here? What does this mean to the big picture. What does God say about the impact that I've been created to make? How am I evaluating and looking at my lived experience and my healing and my growth and development and leveraging that in my leadership?

Belinda Gaston:

And you know, I think it's interesting. One of the reasons I was so excited to have you on the show is that I've not heard people talk about our divine giftings in leadership as we look at ourselves as leaders, and so for so many women, they struggle in the space of understanding who they are, because there is really a separation of kind of the idea of who God made you to be versus who the world says you should be if you're in a specific leadership position. So if you are leading a business, this is how you should be. If you're leading in a corporate sector, this is how you should be. If you're leading in ministry, even this is how you should be. And you were the first person I heard that talked about that kind of divine giftings, and so I want to ask if you could talk a little bit more about why understanding that divine gifting and why understanding who you are, your leadership identity, why is that important for women who lead?

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

Because that is a part of purpose. And we have been groomed, whether in the marketplace, in secular circles or in ministerial or religious circles. We have been taught prototypes, we have been taught roles and responsibilities and we have allowed those roles and responsibilities to take the place of our identity, responsibilities to take the place of our identity. So, instead of me leveraging who I am and allowing the roles and responsibilities that I walk out to be a conduit for who I am and what I bring to the table, we have put ourselves, our identity, our divine DNA, as I like to call it, our gifts, talents, abilities. You know that there's a scripture in the Bible I can't think of where it is right now, but it talks about train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old. But when we really look at that context, in Amplified if you look at the classic Amplified it says train up a child in the way that they are already bent and when they are old they will not depart, and when they are old they will not depart. And so, from our childhood, we have been groomed to fit into these roles and responsibilities and not have taken into consideration who is this person and how is that person going to fit in these roles and responsibilities, actually focusing in on who they are and how they show up, so that the purpose of who they are is now being filtered through what I call conduits? Right, because who you are in an office setting is a conduit for me. It's a conduit for my purpose, my divine leaning, who I've been called to be, who I am as a mother, my who I am is the gift.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

Right, I've been saying this and I keep you know, just kind of speaking this out you are the gift, not the role and the responsibility. You are the gift, and the role and the responsibility is nothing but a pathway for the gift to shine through. And when we stop and say, okay, these are roles and responsibilities, these are things that I walk out. But I need to define out who am I, why am I here? What does this mean? And then we have to have the conversation is purpose is not outside of me. I am purpose. Purpose is not something that I find. It is me becoming the greatest expression of myself, because I'm the gift, because I have the message. And then everything else flows in such a different way, because the message that you're called to speak the message your life is called to speak now can speak through everything you touch, then it doesn't matter how you show up or what that means. You are the gift, you are the message, and your show up then becomes the impactor that God has already created you to be in the earth.

Belinda Gaston:

For my listeners. I got a chance to do kind of a mini course with Dr Kirkland as part of her studies and that concept of you are the gift and not associating myself as a leader to the position or the roles that I have whether that was mother minister at the time, associate director, whatever that role was that I had I was trying to conform into the role instead of understanding. Listen who I am is what I need to focus on and that makes all those roles as a mother, as a wife, as those things, much better. And so I do say you know, if you're listening to this, you might be thinking, well, I've, I don't quite get it.

Belinda Gaston:

I want to kind of get a little bit practical here, because I think a lot of times what we do is we evaluate ourselves based on what we think we should be doing. And what I'm hearing you say is listen first, you understand who you are, understand that you're the gift, understand that there's a purpose that God has put in you, and then you evaluate yourself based on that versus what you're doing. And so I'd really like to talk a little bit about how does one, if they're listening to this and they're thinking, well, how do I know if I'm having some challenges in understanding my identity? Are there signs or are there things that show up? Because we don't know who we are, we don't understand our leadership identity? What are those things that might be the triggers that say, wait, this might be an issue for me. I might really need to focus in on my identity as a leader.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

One of the triggers is not being fulfilled and looking around, because that was my trigger, that was my personal trigger. I was doing a lot of things, I was leading in a lot of spaces, I was in ministry, I was on the praise team, I was an entrepreneur, I was with a family, I was a mother, I was a wife, and I looked around and I said I have skill right and I have roles and responsibilities and I do them well. But everybody around me is happy but me. Everybody around me seems OK with this, this journey that we're on, and I know I haven't touched purpose. So the first trigger is I'm not fulfilled. I am doing what I'm doing and doing it well, but I still feel on the inside of me that there is something missing and I have yet to tap into what that is. So the first trigger is not being fulfilled.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

The second trigger is asking the question who am I? Because when the roles and responsibilities begin to shift and move in your life or you find yourself evolving and transitioning to different seasons of your life and the first thing that comes to you is what am I supposed to be doing? What do I like? Why am I? What is this about. I don't understand what's going on, because those roles and responsibilities which have been actually defining your show up are starting to shift. Things like there are women who are now divorced, but your identity was wife, right? So I tell people all the time, if it can move, if the identifier can leave, it's not who you are.

Belinda Gaston:

It's not who you are. I think we need to pause for a second. Say that again, if the identifier can leave.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

It's not who you are. It's not who you are. That's good Right. So being so, if I'm, if one of my identifiers is wife, I can be divorced. I'm no longer a wife. If I have children and now they're empty nest, I'm an empty nester. I am no longer. I'm still a mother, but I'm no longer that in my active practice as a part of my dynamic, or I can lose my children. You know what I'm saying. It doesn't mean that that is no longer or has not been a part of your narrative, but it is not no longer an identifier, right?

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

If I'm a leader at church, if I'm in ministry, if I've been pastoring and now all of a sudden I'm retired from pastoring, that moved. So that is not a representation of my identity and who I am. It is a conduit that God uses in order to express the gifting that I am, because I'm the gift, not the title, not the position, not the role or the responsibility. Those are conduits, those are avenues that God uses to help me show up in spaces the way that I need, because the people in those spaces need the message that I'm called to speak. So those are not definers of me. If the identifier can move, it is not who you are. So those are two things right the movement of identifiers and not being fulfilled.

Belinda Gaston:

I love that because I think it helps to put a different perspective on how we think of ourselves as women. We often attach ourselves to what we do, not who we are.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

We've been told to do that.

Belinda Gaston:

Starting with children. Right, when you're a child, that's kind of how it starts for girls.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

You've been getting a baby doll that's motherhood. You've been given a kitchen set. That's cooking and providing. We're groomed Right, and so that grooming creates narratives that we are now trying to play out. We'll be at church and you're a single person and the first thing somebody asks you is why you not marry, as if singlehood is not a part of the dynamic and the lived experience, or marriage being the only thing that you're called to be to another person.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

You see what I'm saying, so we're grooming people to put themselves in the background and allow roles and responsibilities to define their show up.

Belinda Gaston:

Yes, and we've talked about what identity means in leadership, and we've talked about signs that women may experience that say, wait a minute, maybe I don't know my identity as a leader. I'd like for you to share a little bit about some practical steps that women in leadership can take to understand better who they are as leaders. How do they so? I've now discovered you know something's off here. What can I do to start understanding better my identity as a leader?

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

So I usually start with helping leaders to develop their identity plan is what I call it. So we even start back to so what are your beliefs? Because identity includes a lot of pieces, right? So what are your beliefs, whether that's the investigation and the self-awareness of those personal and those familial or even religious beliefs right? What are they? How have they shaped? You being aware of just the simple question is that you, or is that what you've been taught about that perspective of belief? Right? That's important. What is your accepted truth? And I mean when I say accepted truth, what really is your and I'm gonna use this word applicable understanding of your beliefs? Are they just things that you have owned because you've seen them work in other people's lives, or are they things and principles and concepts that you're actually using to move your life and who you are and how you show up forward Values right. What are your values? We begin to talk about that Values are the boundaries of beliefs, right. What are your values? We begin to talk about that Values are the boundaries of beliefs, right.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

It helps us to make sure that what it is that we have said to be our truth, that now I have these boundaries or ways of being things I will and won't do that are connected to that your brain framing, looking back at the patterns that have been created over your lived experience, that you're now experiencing as you're living and going through situations and circumstances. You know, the man of God said it so vividly. He was like you know, and I never understood why Paul said that. Where he said he enjoys challenge, I'm like who enjoys challenge? But really, you know, when challenges come or situations and circumstances come into our lives, it gives us an opportunity to be exposed to what is really our accepted truth, because our brain, the way our brain works you know I love that neuroscience stuff Our brain holds on to the information that has gone across our lived experience and is how we are making decisions. It is how we're showing up, are making decisions. It is how we're showing up and we wonder sometimes why am I stuck? Why do I desire to do something? But I end up living out something else, out of habit, and it's because your brain is actually processing what it is that you have already generated to be truth for you.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

You might have a truth in your conscious mind, right, something that you have accepted or have learned, but because it's not an applied truth, it's not a part of your decision-making and processing. So the self-awareness work helps you to slow down Leadership. Women aren't slow, they everywhere, they popping, flipping, booping, booping. So we are not even slow enough to pay attention to how we're engaging the world around us. And so that process of doing that because what are your cultural definitions? What is around that has shaped even your cultural lens, the norms that you're a part of, whether it's gender, race, verbal cues, body language, the characteristics that make you who you are. So I usually tell people we have to start there. And then, when you begin to do that investigation, you can ask yourself the question am I going to keep it or do I need to get rid of it?

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

It's like being, I tell everybody, it's like being an archaeologist on a dig right, you become the archaeologist of your life, of your lived experience, because now you need to make a pivot, you need to grow, you need to evolve in a way, because there is for all of us, as women of God, something calling on us, something pulling us in a direction that we need to go. Don't know where that necessarily is leading. That work, that preparation for what is to come, is us doing that self-evaluation around our identity, who we are, and begin to ask the question who do I need to become for where I'm going and is who I am with regards to my beliefs, my values, my accepted truths, the framings that have taken place, the norms that I have accepted to be my own. Are those things going to support me and where I'm going? Because if they're not and you continue to stay in that space, you will stay in the habits and behaviors of that context. So it's all that first step is self-awareness.

Belinda Gaston:

And I love this idea of who do I need to be to get to where I'm going.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

Yes.

Belinda Gaston:

Because that's been designed, orchestrated by God, right.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

So if God?

Belinda Gaston:

says this is where you need to be. How do I get there? But I'm putting myself in the position of some of our listeners thinking, well, this sounds really great, but who has time for all of this Like? This sounds very time consuming. What would you say to a woman who's like I'm too busy? I just told you I have all these things I'm juggling and I'm leading in all of these spaces. I don't have time to do the work to put into understanding my identity. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. What would you say to that woman?

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

I would say to her what else do you have time for other than your purpose? What do you mean? You don't have time. We are the creator of our schedules, so nobody made you have that schedule, but you. So if you made it, you can change it. And what else do you have time for other than your assignment? That's period. What else do you have time for other than what you were created to be and the message your life has been called to speak in the earth has been called to speak in the earth. What else do you have time for? But to find out why you are here and what that message is. If you don't do the work that you're called to do in the earth, and you tell me that you're too busy to reposition yourself, to be in alignment with the assignment on your life, I have a problem with that.

Belinda Gaston:

And I think we all should have a problem with that, and I think busyness is one of the biggest challenges to doing the work, and in a future episode we're going to talk about being unbusy, going from busyness to being unbusy.

Belinda Gaston:

So if you're listening, make sure you come back and listen to that episode. You know I'm going to ask one kind of last question and I'll allow you to share your final thoughts. I'll share with our audience that one of the things I was most surprised about going through working with you individually is how much freedom I got after I understood wait a minute, this is who I am, and I didn't really. I think I probably need to schedule another session, dr Stephanie, because I feel like I need to do some more work but just the uncovering of who I am and why I have tendencies that I have really been suppressing honestly as a leader to say things a certain way, do things a certain way and see things a certain way. It provided a different level of freedom and after our initial work I got promoted. So that was so. You know. Now I'm associate vice president and you're supposed to say that with some kind of tenor in your voice.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

But what?

Belinda Gaston:

I find is that because of that work.

Belinda Gaston:

When I say freedom, what I mean is when I come into a space now, before I would come in really and I'm going to be transparent here, listeners I came into spaces trying to justify why I should be in really.

Belinda Gaston:

And I'm going to be transparent here, listeners I came into spaces trying to justify why I should be in the space. I came ready to be defensive about why I was in a room, why I was in a position, why I made a decision, and understanding my identity, my leadership identity in the work that I did with Dr Stephanie, really helped me understand that I didn't have to have that stance, and so when I come into a space now, I come in authentically as who I am, and the time and the effort and the energy it took to defend and to be that like proving myself. With that gone, I now have the time to be creative, I have the time to lead well, I have the time to use more empathy, and I also found that people seem to be inspired by that, and so I'd like for you to talk about why understanding your leadership identity really is important as it relates to your calling.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

But I just, I truly believe with all of my heart that part of my journey was this experience where I wanted to know this question right. You know, I originally just talked about not being fulfilled and knowing that there was something more to this Right. So I was doing like you. I was doing the work, everybody was happy, I was good at what I did. You know, I was beast at how I handled it Right needed to do something different so that my show up came from an authentic place, that my show up was not just about what other people wanted from me.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

I think that's a that want and need. It wasn't what other people wanted from me, but it was me understanding that who I really, authentically and truly am is what people need from me, and that's what kept the battle down Whether people agreed, whether they didn't, whether they wanted something other than how I was positioned and my understanding of why I was in the room. It took the weight of all of that away, because if there was conflict or if you weren't pleased, it was no longer about me searching myself to find out what I did wrong or did. Did I say that wrong or do I need to do something else I was able to put the responsibility for that lack of continuity in that circumstance back on the person. I no longer had to hold the weight of other people's identity.

Belinda Gaston:

Oh, that's good. You no longer had to hold the weight of other people's identity. That's part of that freedom I felt like I experienced. That's perfect, that's exactly what it? Is.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

And me owning who I am, me understanding and really valuing what I brought to the table In all of my idiosyncrasies. Right, I laugh really loud. That's just a part of it. If you don't like loud laughter then I might not be a part of your tribe.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

I am a direct communicator. If that makes you uncomfortable, I knew that it wasn't my responsibility to fix it. Yes, responsibility to fix it. Yes, my direct communication is a part of my assignment. My ability to engage, the way that I engage, is a part of my assignment.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

The prophetic lens that is on my life, to be able to look at a situation or a person or a circumstance and know that part of that pathway breaks things down and builds them back up that's a part of my assignment and I own that. I can look somebody in the face and say I'm direct, I am going to analyze and share my thoughts about it. If that is not what you need, I am not the coach for you and be fine if they accept it or if they don't, because I understand. This work that I have been doing is to position me for the assignment and I am and I own it. Even the baggage I own. Right, my idiosyncrasies I own and I can tell you about them girl, child. Now let me tell you about this little piece of me. I'm just going to tell you this is what it is and I am okay and I can say I am involving in this area but right now, this is it.

Belinda Gaston:

This is who you get, this is who I am. This is what you're getting.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

And, yes, I'm evolving in that space, but it's owning it, yes, and just breathing in the understanding that I am purpose, if I want your audience to get that me doing the personal work to become the greatest expression of myself is the assignment, and how that functions through the pathways that God is directing me to walk through, creates another narrative of authority and anointing. That can only come with me being authentically me. I'm going to give you an example. When we moved here to Charlotte, me and my husband, my husband had been here a little longer than me and I was starting to kind of go through different things of understanding and my husband made a powerful statement to me because we're definitely opposites, we have different perspectives. That's what makes us, you know, I just love our conversations and he said, he said to me, and it brought me to a thought.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

He said, stephanie, as you decide with regards to the religious context and the things that have shaped you in your religious space and who you are as a believer, have you ever thought to question how you're practicing your faith? Is that you or is that pastor? Wow, he says, is that really you? Because I had. I think it was about fasting or something like that we were talking about prayer and fasting, because she was a beast at it, she could pray and fast forever, right, and I was struggling in that space around time frame and stuff because we weren't at the church. We had moved to Charlotte and he said but Stephanie, is that you or is that pastor? We can get so caught up on what works for other people that we can adopt other people's ways of being into our own life context and we miss out on the authenticity of building relationship with God and the beautiful rituals that make us believers.

Belinda Gaston:

Wow, that's a great example.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

Yes, Authenticity Finding your own space.

Belinda Gaston:

I think that is where we'll stop. I think that's a Selah moment, you know, taking a moment to just and and breathing in that piece of really who. I think we should title this episode who are you anyway? I mean that's, that's the conversation. I'd like to know if you have any final thoughts or takeaways that you'd like the listening audience to know about identity and leadership.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

Do the work, because your leadership depends on it, your assignment depends on it. Do the personal work and do not put the assignment or the work before personal growth and development, because it is you that are the gift, it is not the assignment.

Belinda Gaston:

I think that is our final thought. Thank you so much, Dr Stephanie, for being here. I don't know about you listeners, but this has been thought-provoking and I've heard Dr Stephanie speak. If you have not, Dr Stephanie, can you tell people how to connect with you? If you have anything coming up that you'd like to share, can you take a moment to share that now?

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

Yes, coming up. I'm currently working on my book and it's going to be called Identity 12 Lessons to Unapologetically Own your Uniqueness in a World that Doesn't See it as Normal. So I'm working on that.

Belinda Gaston:

Congratulations, congratulations.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

Thank you. That's going to be released, but you can reach, you know. Connect with me on Facebook Stephanie M Kirkland, and LinkedIn Dr Stephanie M Kirkland. Instagram Identity Dynamics or Dr Stephanie M Kirkland. I would love to connect.

Belinda Gaston:

Thank you and for our listeners, we will put in the show notes of all of the information that Dr Stephanie just said. I highly recommend that you take a look at her resources, her website. She does offer coaching for groups and individually, so I highly recommend it. For me, the sessions I had with Dr Stephanie were life changing and so, dr Stephanie, I just want to say thank you so much. Thank you for your wisdom and for your willingness, and it has really been a pleasure speaking with you, so thank you for being here.

Dr. Stephanie Kirkland:

Thank you so much. It is definitely an honor to be a part of your broadcast.

Belinda Gaston:

Thank you .Until next time. We will see you on the Graced to Lead podcast. Again, thank you for listening and make sure that you subscribe and follow so that you can get our next and newest episodes. Have a wonderful day.

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